October, please end already.

It’s been over two weeks since my last confession… oh wait, I’m not Catholic. Let me try again.

 

A lot has been going on here lately. I’ve been riding steadily about 3 times a week and it is helping me more than I ever dreamed it could. I feel like I am getting back to a part of myself that was lost for so long. Despite several stressful situations in my life, I actually feel happy. It’s an odd sensation. I actually walk out my door in the mornings and in the place of what I used to smell, things like dew and fresh cut grass, now I just smell horses. In spite of the fact that I live 10 minutes away from where I ride, he always seems to be with me. Or rather, they all are. The very essence of them courses through me until my heartbeat sounds like hoof beats and every over grown field of grass I pass makes me sick with the absence of them there in and the waste of grass and perfectly good pasture, all that precious life source murdered by the blades of a mower.

 

Watching people and animals I love deal with sickness and strife has sort of been the theme for this month. Two of my cats have urinary tract infections, one of which has cost us over $1000 this month alone. Good grief, it’s hard just typing that. Needless to say our bank account is running low and we are all feeling the pinch. My poor husband has been monitoring everything the cat eats and drinks and the three meds they have given us to put him on. The vet looks at us with these eyes that say “You’re a gold mine.” All while saying things like, “Once a male cat has been blocked, he will probably keep getting blocked frequently for the rest of his life unless you buy him high priced food, which will really only lessen his vet trips, not eliminate them all together.” I don’t even like cats.

 

My dog, Boo, has a new ailment where his whole body stiffens up as hard as a board and he cant get up on the bed or climb any stairs and just isn’t himself. It makes us so sad to see him. He played a little more than usual on Saturday so we are trying to chalk it up to soreness from that. I’m still praying that’s what it is. Also, our cute little Kitty dog is losing her hair and we don’t understand why. The only possible diagnosis I have found online is called Adrenal Sex Hormone Responsive Dermatosis. Yeah, I know. It’s not fatal; it happens mainly in Spitz breeds and basically just means that she is losing hair around her neck, the base of her tail, her hind legs and chest. It’s heartbreaking to see her but she seems perfectly healthy, as if she doesn’t even have a clue she’s losing her hair. Because of the stupid cat’s UTIs, we don’t have money to take the two animals I actually love (yes, I said it, let’s not lie to ourselves) to the vet for their own ailments.

 

My husband has been dealing with his blood disorder and the horrible pain and exhaustion that come from it. His doctors say he shouldn’t be in pain from it. That answer is getting tired and annoying because they don’t see him in pain every single night and weekend like I do. They don’t see his eyes red and sagging from exhaustion and pain as he tries to feign health all for the purpose of remaining a good employee for our company. I wish they could live with what he lives with for just one week and then tell me that what he’s feeling has no correlation with his red blood cell count or size. He recently saw yet another new doctor who may have him do a sleep study. She was very surprised at the lack of oxygen in his blood and didn’t understand why the ingrates that saw him before tried to say he has arthritis. He’s not 50 years old, morons. Get a clue!

 

My father’s car broke down and so now his visits have shortened to only once a week because he’s driving his truck now and can’t afford the gas money. He has bummed money from me and my little brother a couple times already. I can hear the depression in his voice since he has been stranded at home and it breaks my heart. I am grateful not to have him surprising me at work every other day, but sad too because I know he really needs someone to love him. He has run off all the women in his life by being intolerable and my sister and I are pretty much all he has left. I still feel sorry for him though, no one should have to deal with old age all by their self. It just seems wrong.

 

To top all this off, I never get to see my mother and I miss her terribly every single day.

 

I haven’t written anything since I started riding and I don’t really know if I want to either. I have a few stories that are unfinished but the telling of them seems boring when I could be out riding. I don’t want to continue with the writing of my landlord story because quite frankly, I often have to get into cranky mode to make it as funny as it should be, and I don’t have the energy to be cranky for long enough periods of time to make anything come of it. I get interrupted constantly at work so as it turns out that is also not the ideal place for me to write. I know, how dare my work try to interrupt me by making me work! The audacity! The nerve!

 

The only thing really getting me through this is getting to see my little sister fall in love with horses, see my husband crack a smile now and again and give me wonderful hugs, and of course, our amazing October weather. October has always been my favorite month just because of the weather and in that regard, it has not failed me. I am just writing today to say that I’m still here and I am trying to hang on until all this drama passes. Someday again soon, after all the stress of current predicaments subsides, I may find the energy to continue writing. Today’s post is just an awkward update. Sorry for that. I’m hoping things get better very soon.

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3 thoughts on “October, please end already.

  1. kbnelson says:

    Glad to see you are still alive and kicking! I’m thrilled that you are enjoying an equestrian revival, and it is completely worth it – whether there are problems, lack of writing, whatever – just know that it is healing a part of yourself you probably didn’t even know was broken. Also, I believe that we all go in cycles of what interests us, so don’t feel guilty because you want to do just ONE thing ALL the time! That’s just the puritan work ethic kicking you in the pants because you refuse to squeeze your personality into some weird american idea of nine-to-five productivity.
    Rock on! (or is that Ride On!)

  2. Allison Merritt says:

    I sympathize with watching your loved ones suffer. My brother is 39 and has suffered from grand mal and petite mal seizures since he was 9 months old. The doctors said he’ probably die before he got past his 21st birthday. And he has the mentality of a 4-year-old. My mom and dad have done everything in their power to make sure he had a good life, from trying different medicines to putting a Vega nerve stimulator (kind of like a pace maker) in his chest. My dad died in ’03 and things got really bad after that because the medicine my brother was on made him totally crazy and lethargic. My and the dr. found a different one to put him on and it stops the grand mal seizures, but not the petite ones. He’s having up to 8 of those a day, but he’s in a really good mood and can get out on his horse and ride all day or fish or do whatever.

    A couple of months ago the dr. wanted to try a surgery that would “most likely” stop the seizures but leave him a vegetable. My mom refused. Now the dr. wants to take my brother off all pills and put him in the Mayo Clinic for a month just to see what will happen. They went through this when he was a little kid because the doctors didn’t know what to do. This dr. has taken care of him for years, but since he can’t figure out any way to make a break-through, he just doesn’t care anymore. It’s really heart breaking because my mom has dedicated her life to just making sure my brother is happy and healthy. I’d have to punch that dr. in the face if he said being a vegetable is a better alternative that having seizures, but still knowing your family and where you are.

    Glad that riding helps you out mentally! Hope your hubby starts feeling better and the dogs and cats get better too.

  3. I feel your pain and hope that everything will get better soon for everyone, you, hubby and all the furry ones! Thank you for sharing your story. I think it’s awesome that you’ve been able to reconnect with a neglected part of yourself that is now helping you to weather life’s challenges. Keep climbing back on!

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